after a month anything with tits is on the radar
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
