I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
