i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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