Will you blow on my dice?
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
