I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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