Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
