Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
