There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Randomize
