Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
