I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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