First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
In other news, I just burned my penis
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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