seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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