He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
