i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
