Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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