jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
