i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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