Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
