sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
