Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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