hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
