John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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