I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
