mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
