Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
a search helicopter?!
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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