i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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