How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
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