so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
sarcasm needs its own font
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Randomize
