I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
