It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
