One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
