We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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