She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
