We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
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