You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Randomize
