why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Randomize
