the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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