I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I wish there were birth control emojis
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
where are my eyebrows?
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
