is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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