Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Randomize
