my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
