Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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