the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
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Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
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I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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