My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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