the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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