Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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