drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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