Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
