Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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