I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
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Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
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Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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