I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
