I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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